Home of the Explicity Sensual Footballers - the Multiracial Cosmopolitan Team of Today: BangBrothers FC Injury Update

Sunday, November 29, 2009

BangBrothers FC Injury Update

we do not wish to know where that finger has gone now do we.

BangBrothers FC would like to wish our old school rearguard Retz Fernando a speedy and healthy recovery from the "Finger Fracture" that he has sustained recently in the course of duty.

It is estimated that he will be out of action for a period of an "undetermined lenght".

He will most certainly be in our daily prayers.

Meanwhile, Bangbrothers FC's mercurial and talismanic winger Jerald Justin has encountered an injury setback. With grave aggravations to his knee due to an intensive accelerated recovery program, Jerald Justin has sadly torn both his ACL and MCL (ligaments) in his knee, and will be undergoing a quick procedure under the knife sometime before christmas. We at the desk of BangBrothers FC would like to also wish him a speedy and successful recovery. His estimated return is a lot more hopeful and positive, with a date sometime before the middle of 2010 set on the timetable.

Good news amidst the bad- our enigmatic goalkeeper Ganesh "Barthezella Fosterella" Kurup has been earmarked for a quick return between the posts sometime in the next three weeks... while evergreen soulster Kevin Gomez has already made his comeback a week ago at Temasek Secondary School, sporting a rather "fightclub-esque" hand aid in the process.

Before we bid each other a fond farewell, the squad and staff of BangBrothers FC would like to wish all our readers an early Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!

Be good and be safe.

Ta-Ta!

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BangBrothers FC Top Scorers Chart

Ganesh "Barthezella" Kurup

Ganesh Kurup

21 March, 1983

Position: Goalkeeper

Often maligned and with good reason, Ganesh "Barthezella Fosterella the Flying Elephant" Kurup proved his detractors wrong with some notably amazing performances between the sticks. Literally saving lost causes singlehandedly albeit with a potbelly in tow. An inspiration to all. Though often prone to lapses in concentration and long stretches of time where he loses all confidence in his ability, a slap on the backside plus a tight squeeze on that significant rear sometimes does wonders to his overall state of mind. Barthezella is an enigma in this modern world of football, a true sight to behold at full flight, literally. Just remember to cover your noses, sometimes the exhaust fumes during take off does get just a little bit too much.

Sri Retz "The Darkness / Behemoth" Fernando

Sri Retz Fernando

22 September, 1981

Position: Goalkeeper, Centre back, Right Back, Anywhere that requires a Vast and Huge Stopper

The darkness, as he is known amongst the weekend warriors throughout the nation, is a player whose age has blatantly caught up with him, though depriving him of the physical attributes required in this modern game, has somehow miraculously gifted him with the unique abilities in the other much sought after areas, such as a good reading of the game and terrific positioning. Often caught up for pace due to his penchant for all things swine, be it gastronomic or affinities, the Behemoth has often dug himself out of the shitholes created in the first place by his amazing ability to anticipate and subsequently place his huge frame in the direction of the swiftly travelling ball. Although somehow amazingly always the first to the ball when it comes flying into the BangBrothers penalty box, the Darkness has often been caught guilty and red handed for either letting the ball bounce, or not calling for it, or both. If there is one glaring area of his game that he needs to improve, it is the commanding presence in terms of vocal prowess. He needs to stamp his authority in the box and let the players around him know who is boss, only then, can he truly step up onto the plate with apple in hand, or orally, depending on how you would like to phrase it.

Mark "The LoverBoy" Teo

Mark Teo Wei Boon

April 6, 1983

Position: Centre Back

Well known for his fierce defending and interceptions, Mark Teo is perhaps one of the most consistent and rock solid defenders of our time, putting in outstandingly committed performances week in week out, to the delightful screaming cheers of a chorous of fans, both male and female alike. With a penchant for pushing up forward during corner kicks and set piece situations, the dynamic centre back provides a useful outlet and option for the BangBrothers, having proved his potency for scoring crucial goals in his heyday back in Western Australia.

A Communication Studies Graduate from UWA, Mark Teo has also excelled in his day job, working at the highly impressive DDB Creative Advertising Agency, and it is this penchant for communicating and conversing with people that makes this well loved defender a fan's favourite.

His taste for football clubs however, does need some delicate fine tuning.

Perhaps an injection of some red devil juice would set him in the right direction.

Whichever the scenario, Mark Teo remains a fundamental and essential player to the BangBrothers, and as long as he does not revive his fondness for own goals as seen in days of yesteryear in Perth, the propensity for everlasting greatness will hold no bounds for this rock hard superstar.

Timothy "the Legend" Song

Timothy Song Yong How

30 January, 1981

Position: Wing Back

A LEGEND on the field and off it, Timothy Song is renowned for being an individual with a hardline no nonsense reputation and infallible personality. Playing in the destroyer role sitting in the pocket right in front of the defence, the LEGEND has ended careers in an instant, with his crunching challenges and aggressive foreplay. A sure choice in any manager's starting eleven, Timothy Song is the ULTIMATE player and a LIVING LEGEND. Bow down to the jedi master of football and watch in awe as he uses the FORCE to power his way through the game and cover every single blade of grass on the pitch, and off it.

Kalaivaanan "The Banglah" Sadayapan

Kalaivaanan Sadayapan

4 October, 1987

Position: Centre Back

Kalaivaanan "KALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAIKALAI" Sadayapaan as he was commonly known back in the heydays of Secondary School has evolved and matured to the Bollywood Rajnikanth Superstar that he is on the field today after much harrowing hard work and dedication. Blessed with a natural ability to dribble with the ball, his shuffling feet and gyrating body has earned him the nickname Superstar Rajnikanth, and is a vital piece of machinery in the BangBrothers engine room. Back in the day when he used to go to KFC and order a buddy meal for HIMSELF, Kalaivaanan was much maligned for his physical defects but yet proved all detractors wrong with some impressive forays down the left hand side. Although now still considered "youthful" at age of 23, his niggling knee injuries to both patellas has seen his speed detriorate somewhat significantly. Guilty of often giving up on loose balls, the man is still without doubt blessed with a natural footballing talent, and all he really needs is a good psychological lift, if not, a kick up the backside, for him to live up to his true potential of being a footballing superstar maestro down the left hand side. Floodlights shining of course.

Philip "The AngMo" McCormick

Philip McCormick

7 November, 1992

Position: Right Back, Wishes he was Striker

Philip the ANGMO McCormick has matured, grown, and evolved into the player that he is today after years of racial and physical abuse by the people his ancestors dished out like-minded treatment to many decades ago. Quick to the ball, tenacious on the run, and emphatic with his finishing are qualities not born but bred through a player over the course of his growing up. Though deployed at right back, the AngMo is more than capable of holding his own at more offensive positions, as shown in recent forays upfront and on the wings, what with his lanky 1.9metre frame doing wonders for the boys in black during setpieces and counterattacks. The AngMo has a fondness for Asian Girls, Transexuals, and exotic boyfriends, as seen by his BFFs, Johnson Cheung and Shaneel Parikh. Often seen hitting the clubs with illegal IDs, just look out for that awkward whiteboy with gravy on his shirt trying to emulate Lil Jon on the dance floor, and you might just have come across the legendary White Supremacist and Colonizer, Philip the AngMo McCormick. If you wish to do anything with him, just remember to always wear a condom.

Sivaneson "Anaconda" Krishnamoorthy

Sivaneson Krishnamoorthy

25 January, 1982

Position: Centre Midfield, Centre Foward

With a first touch as gentle as that of a serial Rapist, The "Anaconda", as Sivaneson is affectionally known to his peers, has been plying his trade at a plethora of clubs throughout his long and diverse career, earning himself the title of being an unsettled notorious journeyman who has never really found his perfect position, until today. Enjoying a "midlife renaissance" at the centre of the park, Siva is excelling at playing the destroyer role with his intimidating presence and cadaverous physicality. Though sloppy at times and often accused of taking one too many touches of the ball, Sivaneson has plenty to prove, especially against his many doubters in the foreign media. His committed and driven performances in the first few games of the season has kept them relatively tight-lipped thus far, though time will tell if he can continue letting his feet do the talking, or resort to sporadic outbursts and scandalous scuffles as witnessed by the worldwide masses a few years ago, when immaturity and hooliganism tactics blighted his promising gameplay up front. Sivaneson has naturally been employed as an out an out centre forward in his previous clubs, and though his goals to games ratio, as described outrageously by Australian Soccer commentator and analyst, David Jones, "he's a monstrously misfiring lad, with goals as rare as a Durian Tree in Perth". On his day, Sivaneson can embark on sensationally dazzling runs all the way down to the byline (though where it resultantly ends up is as good a guess as anyones), but whatever the scenario, when the Anaconda is on a spitfire rampage, just remember to stay the hell out of his way. Or risk getting deep throatily gagged, in many more ways than the norm.

Bia "Muay Thai Superstar" Dunpheri

Bia Dunpheri

8 April, 1980

Position: Anywhere Across Midfield

Sonthaya "Bia the Muay Thai Superstar" Dunpheri is called as such not for humour but for true reflective genesis. Once an apprentice and young padawan to the immortal Street Fighter Muay Thai Hero SAGAT, Bia has honed his skills in the traditional Thai Martial Arts and has evovled to being in a league of his own. So skilled and talented is the relatively young superstar that he has even opened his very own Gymnasium specializing in the training of Muay Thai to people across race, age, and backgrounds. In fact, if you are interested in taking lessons, you can head on down to www.biasmuaythaigym.com to for more information! Bia is a man of many talents on the pitch, aggresive engine room destroyer, full blast power packed ball shooter, and of course, BangBrothers FC's personal bodyguard and bouncer. Rumoured to have once kicked the ball so hard that it flew from Tampines to Bedok Resevoir, the Muay Thai Superstar is someone whom you should never attempt to cross swords with, for even when you pick on any one of his team mates, just take cover or retreat to your shell, because you simply cannot afford the luxury of being in the warzone when the number 8 of Bia's Muay Thai Gym comes bamboozling into town.

Zen "Michael Owen" Chan

Zen Chan

22 February, 1984

Position: Winger

Speedy Gonzales, accelerated, agile, alacritous, breakneck, brisk, expeditious, express, fleet, harefooted, hasty, headlong, hurried, immediate, lissome, lively, nimble, precipitate, prompt, quick-fire, rapid, rapid-fire, ready, snappy, summary, supersonic, swift, ultrasonic, and winged are just some of the many superlatives and adjectives used to describe our fleet footed explosive Winger that is the all encompassing Zen Chan. Though missing these days through bouts of injury and work related committments, Zen Chan still carries a truckload of kinetic energy in those feet of his, speeding down the flanks at the speed of MACH4 and turning opponents into spinning cross-eyed junkies. Zen Chan is what one would call the original winger, fast, quick on the turn, and delivers a mean cross to boot. A decisively integral pawn on the bangbrothers chessboard, the "Chinese Mat" as he is affectionately known, is truly a sight to behold at top speed, just remember to cover your mouth or be prepared to eat some dust.

Paul "The Egyptian Extremist" Samuel Seleim

Cristiano Paul Samuel Seleim

21 April, 1992

Position: Winger, Forward

BangBrothers FC's very own mini celebrity covered with infamy is none other than the one and only Egyptian Extremist, Paul Samuel Seleim. Part Time underage girl sex offender and Full Time Terrorist in disguise, the Egyptian Extremist's many exploits and adventures have been covered in great detail, accessible via the archives section of this website. Known to be one of confounded immaturity and severe lack of fortitude, the Egyptian Extremist still has moments of dedicated brilliance, where a swivel of the hips and an injection of fuel laden pace can turn an opponent or two unto their backsides. Though struggling to find his true form these days, the Egyptian Extremist still soars the skies like an Egyptian Eagle, though still prone to venture into vast anonymity for long periods during a game. But one thing is for sure, when the Egyptian Extremist is on fire, metaphorically of course, one will do well to stay the hell out of his way, for he packs a proverbial punch, shall we say, explosive.

Bradley "Van Nistlerooy" Boon

Bradley Boon

9 April, 1987

Position: Centre Foward

BangBrothers FC profilic hitman Bradley Boon was described as a Key Signing by Director of Football, Jerald Justin Ko, (B.A) Communication Studies and English, UWA, and so far, he has lived up to his prior high expectations with outstanding performances in and out of the pitch. A natural finisher and born marksman, Bradley's goalscoring ability comes from his brutally physical gameplay and intense commitment to chasing every single loose ball that comes his way. One particular fond memory of many fans comes from the days of yesteryear, when Bradley was still plying his trade in the youth, youth, youth league. A diminutively scrawny little bugger back then, Bradley had just lost the ball to another boy three times his size. Disheveled and bedraggled, face in mud and his kit in disarray, Bradley picked himself up, tears running down the side of his unkempt face, and hounded his exponent down to the ground with a crunching sliding challenge riddled with malicious intent, but yet without any eventual physical damage. Winning the ball by the skin of his teeth, Bradley charged down the left wing in a flash, beating the entire midfield cavalry before smashing a thunderous shot into the top corner of his opponent's goal to the bewilderment of the entire home support. Though described by many as an egocentric self-indulgent mercenary, Bradley has evolved his stingily selfish play to become not only one of the deadliest penalty-box predators in world football, but a dedicated team player who gets stuck in when the shit hits the fan, and cleans up the eventual mess too. As long as he continues passing the ball when the time calls for it and also maintain his amazing strike rate, Bradley is on his way to becoming one of the all encompassing all round greats of our time.

Manoj ''The Black Berbatov'' Menon

Manoj Menon

Age Unknown (Timeless)

Position: Centre Forward

Known affectionately as the Black Berbatov amongst the weekend footballing fraternity, Manoj Menon is a traditional old school centre forward with a modern day touch of class. Kind of like a mixture of aged wine and fresh bubbly champagne. With a sublime first touch not unlike that of a Paediatric Nurse and the innocuous grace of a Swan Lake Ballerina, Manoj Menon has scored goals with genuine class and royalty. Though often guilty for missing the easiest chances in front of goal, many have forgiven him for the subsequent moments of brillaince where the Black Berbatov seems to just pluck a stinging ball out of the air and caress it with incredible gentleness, before unleashing a strike of such venom that goalkeepers hardly blink before realizing that the ball has already travelled into the back of the bulging net. Definately a man who never scores simple goals, just great ones.